What Ifs
by Miss.Heart Of Swords01
Summary: What if Michael doesn't come back from his family in London to help Nikita,what if when he does he can't because she is married and had kids.First Nikita fanfic.Opinions are loved,also loves any corrections.Characters may be OC.no bad reviews pls.
1. Surprises

_**What ifs**_

_**Nikita is not mine. What if Michael never comes back from his family in London to help Nikita, and what if when he does decide to be with her gain he cant because she is married with someone and had kids with them. First Nikita fanfiction if you have any oppinions pls tell me i would love it and i would also love any corrections that you may have. the characters may be a little OC, sorry. please no bad reviews.**_

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><p>He lowered his hat to cover his face from the airport cameras; although Nikita and "Friends" had taken care of both Oversight and Division they still needed to hide their faces a little longer.<p>

"Sir are you here for business or for pleasure?" the blond woman at the checking point asked him.

"Pleasure", he said, and it was he wanted to see Nikita again. He had not realized how bad he wanted to see her since Cassandra had the talk with their son.

**Flashback**

"Mom, why do you and dad both keep teaching me all this martial arts and things like that? I know not all the kids learn it. You guys have been teaching me this forever, and you guys have never told me why?"

His son now seventeen had asked his mother that question because he somehow knew that his dad would either not answer it or just give him weird clues. Therefore he had decided that he would ask his mom again and hope that she would answer his question without his dad there.

What he had not known is that his dad had arrived earlier than expected therefore he had heard the question. The thing that stopped him from going out and interrupting the conversation had been Cassandra's answer.

"You have asked me that question forever, I guess this is the time to answer it", and she had she had explained everything to him… even Nikita.

And after she was done explaining everything, he had felt that ache again that emptiness and solitude that only and only Nikita could take away. But he got distracted by what his son was saying to Cassandra.

"So she left him to be with us? By what you said I thought that he would have loved her a lot and not left her."

"Yes but your papa loved you more" Cassandra said switching to Russian to tell him so. "And since I know you are asking yourself this I am going to tell you that your papa never regretted it."

**End of flashback**

Sure he had not regretted it, but the days since he had thought of her more everyday than all the last ones. And after a few months he had decided to look for her see where she was, how she was, and try to have a relationship more stable than the last one they had.

He had talked to his son, and somehow he understood, he had been more mature than most kids his age. He had even encouraged him with only the words of "I knew there was something wrong with you and my mom's relationship, you never slept together dad not even in the same bed! Plus you never looked at her like you loved her, not that you did not love her, but God I am going to sound like a girl reading a romance book, but you never saw her with 'strong love', if you love Nikita that much go after her just come and visit ok."

That had been his sons pep talk but Cassandra had been a different story, when she had seen him sitting there waiting for her after work with his suitcases. She had only said "So its Nikita, I knew you were there that day of THE talk. It seems that you finally figured out what you really wanted. Have you told our son?" that had been it no crying or desperation, and he finally knew that she had done it on purpose, she had known he was there and she had given him a big push.

His only response had been "thanks for everything, and yes I have told our son" everything meaning everything even the push.

He had gotten a hold on some of his past contacts and with the help of Cassandra he had found Seymour Birkhoff, but no Nikita. Birkhoff was currently in a remote and almost no electricity place in Veracruz (that had surprised him since Birkhoff was all about electricity, but knowing him he would get in somehow).He did not know whether Nikita was there or not but he knew that Seymour Birkhoff was there, he would tell him where to find her.

Adjusting the new backpack he bought, with his clothes in it Michael looked at Birkhoff's house.

He had a big house now, and not doubting Birkoff he already knew he was there…or not. No weapons or lockdowns, in fact his door was opened. Michael pushed the door opened with minimum noise (or as minimum as it could be considering that the hinges were rusted), as soon as he walked five steps into the house there was a gun in his head.

"I don't want trouble, I will shoot you if I have to but I would appreciated it if you would not make, there are kids sleeping upstairs"

Birkhoff. The first thought that Michael had, was to take the gun away and he did, his second thought was 'he has kids, Birkhoff has kids'.

His own gun pointed at him and the only thing that Birkhoff could say was "Michael". Typical Birkhoff stating the obvious even though he had a gun pointed to his head and his kids in supposed danger upstairs.

"Hey man what you doing here I though you where in London with Cassandra and your son?" Birkhoff was still in the floor, with his arms raised in the defensive position, and a little surplice lased in his voice.

Lowering the gun Michael helped Seymour to his feet. "Yeah well I am not? And Seymour you have kids?"

Leading him to the living room Birkhoff answered him. "Well it would not be surprising if I had any, but they are not mine." He sat in the couch and continued after Michael sat in the sit in front of him. "So you never answered why you are here" at Michael's look he hurried to say" it is only fair since I answered one of your questions."

He had not answered it completely but he would let it go, "I am here for Nikita, I want to see her again and start from the beginning, after I find her with your help of course" he said it as simple and as easy as he could.

"Well Michael, I know where she is but she… you-ahh you will not be able to start a relationship with her anymore." Michael's first thought had been that she had somehow died, but Birkhoff continued talking. "You see the kids upstairs, the ones I told you were not mine, they are not they are Nikita's. She is married Michael"

And just like that his world came crashing again only this time worst. He had loved her, more than anything or anyone but his son. The only thing he could get out was an incredulous and weak "what?"

God love Birkhoff because he answered with all the patience in the world and with a good bottle of wine for him. "The kids are upstairs, and I am not drinking while they are here, tried it once just one small sip and Nikita almost broke my fingers… she would do it the time that she finds out that I did it again" he explained as he served him a glass of it. The thought that Nikita could be that protective towards her kids, kids that are not his broke his heart more. He always knew she would be a good mother with the way she was towards Alex.

Birkhoff continued after he had given him his glass of wine and sat down in his previous couch. "After we finished off division and Oversight, we made sure everything was good before we came here to escape. We had decided to do it together to take care of each other's backs, after sometime we venture out so to speak and we socialized with the people we see from here. During that time she met Johnathan, her husband, he is a doctor that worked here. If I told you about how they met and how they dated it would get complicated. So I will go over it and tell you the end; Nikita really got in love with this guy after some time, and believe me, after a lot of work on his part. He asked her to get married five years ago and nine months after they had their first kid, the second year after their marriage came the second one. The angels are upstairs, and although I don't like kids I really came to love these ones I don't know why but I really do, don't tell them though they may get ideas"

He still couldn't believe it she was married, she was married and had kids. A four year old and a three year old, why hadn't she ever told him? He must have spoken out loud because Seymour answered him. "She didn't want to tell you because you had YOUR life and now she has HERS. Do you understand? I know I sound mature babysitting will do that to you"

He did understand, all of it (even the babysitting part). She had wanted a family of her own. "Umm I guess I should go… I have nothing else to do here now?" he stood up, but before he could take more than four steps Birkhoff stopped him with two simple questions.

"Don't you want to see her? Don't you want to see the kids too?" he explained more "I mean I could show you the kids sure, and Nikita too through her cameras. But don't you want to see her in person, at least one last time?"

It was surprising but he did, he wanted to see her and the kids. Damn it he did, and although he may kidnap all three of them he wanted to risk it.

"I will see them. When do I get to see her?"

"She picks them up tomorrow, it is Brian's birthday tomorrow and they wanted the morning and night to themselves. I will show her to you through the cameras in the morning before the kids wake up, I hope they are not doing the dirty but I am doing it for you. The kids you will see them in the morning when they wake, not tonight I dont want to wake them up just to see some stranger... no offence." After an awkward pause in which Michael drank some wine and avoided Birkhoff's eyes, Birkhoff continued " Those buggers have a radar or something when people are near" he explained. "I have no objections to this for now, but if you harm her again I will really shoot you. It won't matter to me that you are the better shot and the better fighter."

He had no objections; he wanted to see her in the morning in person and in camera. He wanted to see the kids too, no matter how much it hurt. "Fine" was his only response, apparently that was all that Birkhoff needed because nest thing he knew he was taking him to a guest room, giving him a tour of the downstairs area as they passed by everything, and explaining the layout.

"This is your guest room, the kids sleep upstairs besides my room, I will know if you go upstairs don't or the deal is off. I am doing this because I think you both need it, not because I am doing you a special friendship favor, so don't think of it that way. Sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite" he said as he closed the door.

That was it he was left with a hold new array of emotions, and a guest room. He put his backpack in the guest bed unpacked his pajamas, changed and got into bed. Maybe tomorrow would not hurt so much as today, maybe just maybe over the night he could get used to the idea.

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><p><em><strong>Should i make the eyes of the kids gray or blue, maybe green? what do you think? i will post tommorow if i cant then around this week<strong>._


	2. Feelings

**Sorry but i forgot the disclaimer in the last chapter. i dont own anything of Nikita except this story and the idea of this story.**

There is an editing of the first chapter so i don't know if it will become two.

This is for all of you who put this story on the story alert, and the ones that put it on their favorites. If you put them in both Gold star.

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><p>Last night he had thought that he would get used to the idea that Nikita was married, that now she had children but he hadn't. He knew he never would, it all seemed stupid now he had left her for seventeen years and had hoped that she had been waiting for him.<p>

He sat in the same chair that he had sat yesterday and looked at his watch it was currently seven thirty in the morning and Birkoff had not woken yet. He had been awake since six (a habit from Division that never broke) and his troubled thoughts never stopped. In fact they got worse, and his feelings got stronger too; feelings of anger, jealousy, and self- disgust.

His anger was more towards himself than it was towards Nikita; if he had come back before he could have been married to her himself already, with two kids. His anger towards Nikita was irrational though, he knew that she would not wait for him forever, she had always wanted a family as much as him. The only difference was that he had wanted to have a son to replace Hale, and a wife to replace Elizabeth now he knew his error more than ever; he could not replace his family he could only remember and move on.

But is anger was not as strong as his jealousy, this guy had married her; seen her in a white dress in front of a priest with her sparkling smile, and happy eyes. He had danced with her and heard her I love you words repeated in whispers next to his ears. He had lain down with her next to him for five or more years. He had kissed her in the mornings and at nights. He had held her close to him and felt loved, loved like he had not felt before. And worst of all she had had HIS kids, kids that may look exactly like her but with some of their dads traits and he knew they would be beautiful children no matter what.

Self- disgust is the worst feeling in him right now. He could still hear his words in the hotel after one of their first missions together "you will never lose me". He had promised and he had not stayed. He had half promised in between conversations that he would take her into an island in paradise, and he had not delivered. He had thought that they would have all the time in the world, that he would come back anytime and that they would continue were they left off, but all that had been a silly dream because she had moved on and she had created a family of her own.

"You already up?" he had been so into his thoughts that he had not noticed Seymour walking quietly behind him.

"Yes I have been up since six o'clock, a habit you know, they never go away" he explained standing up, and turning to look towards Seymour.

"Yeah I would know, I still have them some times. You know it's a little after 8, and you have been here for two hours" he sighed "look Nikita still has the same habits-sometimes- so she wakes up around this time if not later, so I might as well show you now."

Now… he didn't know what to think, did he want it now? He did want to see them together? A part of him said no, he did not want to, but a bigger part the part that said that it might not be true said yes, he wanted to see. Therefore he went along with Seymour into his computer room.

"Look I am going to do this fast and only for a few minutes…I hope I don't catch them in the dirty" he whispered.

As soon as he could his computer monitor had changed into the cameras view that Nikita had in her house. The colors in the room where light blue with white windows. On the left wall of the bed was a small desk with some writing utensils and on the opposite wall was a tall mirror with a tall jewelry box on the side. In the middle of the wall opposite the one the camera was, was a bed with nightstands on each side…on that bed was Nikita.

Her long hair was spread out in between the pillows, her face was peaceful (more peaceful than it had ever been before) and she had a short red fancy night gown. The night gown aliened her curves to perfection, curves almost the same as when he had last seen her. He could only guess that she never stopped her training to stay in shape.

Even though the camera was far away from her face he could still see when her eyes opened up. As soon as they did she leaned into her elbow to see her husband's face. Michael had been so occupied in Nikita that he had never looked at the man sleeping beside her. From the camera he seemed to have light brown hair, a square jaw, a straight nose, and a good physic; he seemed to do as much exercise as her. There was nothing surprising about him.

What surprised him was the smile she gave her husband; the same smile she had given him in the mornings when they had been together before he left her again. That special and loving small smile that he had though had been all his was someone else's now.

Michael looked at the ceiling to avoid looking at the screens, for it to give him a second to compose himself. But before he could say anything he heard the ruffling of her bed sheets, she was leaving her bed momentarily and that brought his eyes to the monitor again.

By the time that his eyes were on the monitor again she was already up and with a bad rove covering her body. She was leaving the room to God knows where, and he would wait just a little longer to see what she did now. A few minutes later she returned with a plate and two big cupcakes in it.

She shed her bed rove in the doorway and walked in dancing and singing in an off and soft tone. "I like cupcakes in the morning."

She was being more childish and carefree than he had ever seen her before. Nikita kept walking until she reached the nightstand on his side, she put the plate in the bedside table, and bended her knees almost to the point of kneeling. She folded her hands on top of the bed and in a soft whisper she began singing "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you happy birthday dear Brian happy birthday to you."

By the time she was finished her husband had already woken up. Without any warning he held her face between his hands and kissed her. Nikita got up from her position and got into bed beside him, and while she covered both of them with the sheets he put his arm around her waist.

Johnathan kissed her on her neck and while she cuddled closer to him he looked at the cupcakes in the nightstand and laughed. "No quisiste gastar el pastel por los niños y entonces me trajiste los pastelillos que teníamos en el refrigerador." _(You didn't want to waste the cake because of the kids therefore you brought me the cupcakes that were in the refrigerator.)_

"Claro que no… los niños se enojarían mucho si vieran que le falta un solo pedazo y tú no quieres eso. ¿O sí?" _(Of course not…the kids would get very mad if even a piece of that cake where missing and you wouldn't want that. Would you?)_

"No no claro que no… ¿Oye ya los recogemos no? Ya los extraño, que tal si nos comemos los pastelillos en calma, nos alistamos, y luego recogemos a los niños. ¿Te gustaría eso?" _(No no of course not… hey do you want to pick them up right now? I miss them, what if we eat the cupcakes relaxingly, we get ready, and after that we pick up the kids. Would you like that?)_

"Sí yo también los extraño mucho, ok" (_yeah I miss them a lot too,ok)_ she picked up a cupcake and bit it "este es mío, el otro" _(this one is mine, the other one)_ she said to him while she picked up the other one "es el tuyo" _(is yours)_

"Canija escogiste el mejor" _(you little devil you picked up the best one)_ he said it in a teasing tone while he reached for the control to turn on the TV.

After a few seconds the monitor screen went black, Seymour than God didn't say anything right away. Michael closed his eyes to get a hold on his feelings but it was not working.

"Look dude, I am going to leave you alone for a minute and umm go get the kids things ready." Birkhoff knew that he needed time alone, after a long time of waiting Michael finally got back, but things never stayed the same; they change for some towards the better, and for others towards worst. He could still hear the words he said to her a few days after Michael had left "he will come back you guys are like Bonnie and Clyde…without the dramatic ending of course." He had come back but she was not there anymore.

While Seymour went up the stairs Michael sat in one of the chairs that Seymour had there. He took a deep breath and put his head in his hands with his eyes closed.

He could still see her damn it, even when he closed his eyes. He could see her smile towards Brian, serve him cupcakes and kiss him. Things she had only done with HIM damn it.

And in that moment he let himself imagine the what ifs. What if he had married her, and it was him on that bed, him she smiled to, him she sang to, him she kissed and played with, him she served cupcakes because of his birthday and because they couldn't eat the cake because THEIR kids would get mad. GOD he was making it worst because it would be amazing, it would be the best thing in the world and he lost it. He lost his chance.

For the first time in years since Elizabeth and Hale had died, he cried. Not the hard sobs that many people would expect to hear, that was not Michael, he just let the tears fall quietly and softly down his cheeks. Just two tears ran down before he heard a small voice that made him stop doing everything and look up.

"¿Qué haces? ¿Por qué lloras? ¿Estás triste? ¿Te duele algo? Mi mami dice que si te duele algo o algo te pasa que siempre le digas a alguien, un adulto él o ella te puede ayudar. Pero el nerd, así dice mama que llamemos al tío Seymour aunque papa dice que no… ¿Qué significa eso? Nerd yo no sé que es. Bueno el tío Seymour" _(What are you doing? Why are you crying? Are you sad? Does something hurt? My mommy said that if something hurts or you don't feel good to tell someone an adult can help. But nerd, mom said to call uncle Seymour nerd although dad says not to call him that…what does that mean? Nerd, I don't know what it means. Well Uncle Seymour)_ she said it like she just remembered to call Birkoff that "no esta aquí esi que me puedes decir a mi." _(Is not here so you can tell me about it)_

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><p><strong><em>Hoped that this one was better than the last one. Thank you for reading.<em>**


	3. Meetings

"¿Qué haces? ¿Por qué lloras? ¿Estás triste? ¿Te duele algo? Mi mami dice que si te duele algo o algo te pasa que siempre le digas a alguien, un adulto él o ella te puede ayudar. Pero el nerd, así dice mama que llamemos al tío Seymour aunque papa dice que no… ¿Qué significa eso? Nerd yo no sé que es. Bueno el tío Seymour" _(What are you doing? __Why are you crying? Are you sad? Does something hurt? My mommy said that if something hurts or you don't feel good to tell someone an adult can help. But nerd, mom said to call uncle Seymour nerd although dad says not to call him that…what does that mean? Nerd, I don't know what it means. Well Uncle Seymour)_ she said it like she just remembered to call Birkhoff that "no esta aquí esi que me puedes decir a mi." _(Is not here so you can tell me about it)_

He almost wanted to laugh out loud; a few seconds ago he was cursing himself, and now before him stood a pretty girl. Even if his deduction skills where rusty he knew that she was her daughter, if he remembered correctly then she was four years old. She was perfect, as he would imagine for Nikita's daughter to look like. Short brown straight hair, almost black eyes, and a small nose.

He reminded himself to curse whatever god he believed in- if he believed in any-, things couldn't get any worse. When he was about to respond to her he heard footsteps coming from the stairs. Turning towards the stairs he saw Birkhoff coming towards him, with what he supposed was her small brother. While she looked like her mother she looked like his father. The light brown hair and hazel eyes, where the complete opposite of his sister, but he was just as handsome.

When Birkhoff saw both him and the small girl in front of each other, there was a small unmistakable moment of panic in his eyes, but it was quickly erased. "Ivonne que haces arriba tan temprano eh. Antes te tenía que despertar yo." (_Ivonne what are you doing up so early, hm. Before I used to wake you up.)_

As soon as Ivonne saw her uncle she ran towards him trapping his legs in between her arms. "Ahí tío no es cierto…además ya soy una niña grande, y es el cumpleaños de mi papa. Me tengo que despertar temprano para celebrar con el." (_Ugh Uncle that is not true…I am a big girl now anyways, plus it's my dad's birthday. I have to wake up early to celebrate with him_.)

Before Birkhoff could say anything else Ivonne interrupted him. "Tío porque es que el…"( why is it that he..) She pointed to Michael, "esta llorando. Le duele algo?" (_is crying. Is he hurt?_) They both knew that she didn't do it with any malice what so ever but with a naïve curiosity that only belonged to children.

Now not only was he feeling angry and miserable, but embarrassed. Birkhoff turned to look at him in mild surprise that soon turned to a look that had so much intense scrutiny that Michael had to turn away. With a soft smile towards the child he answered her. "No no lo creo peque, pero tal vez si le damos algo rico de comer se sienta mejor." (No I don't think so little one, but maybe if we give him something delicious for breakfast he would feel better)

After a small pause and a sympathetic smile towards Michael he steered Ivonne towards the small kitchen. "Ven, ándale te prepare unos panqueques extra grandes…Nada mas espero que tu mama no me mate" (Come on I will prepare you some extra large pancakes …let's just hope that your mother doesn't kill me)

"Porque aria eso, nos tienes que dar de comer."(Why would she do that you have to give us something to eat) they where halfway there when she realized that Michael had not fallowed them, in fact he was in the same position as when she had first seen him. "Anda vente sino no vas a poder cocinar los panqueques con nosotros." (Come on if you don't then you won't get to cook pancakes with us)

In surprise he looked up to look at her small hand out stretched towards him. He wondered if she knew what she was doing to him to him. With more than one meaning he took her hand. Looking at them now the 'what ifs' seemed heavier on him. He closed his eyes tightly to disperse his melancholic thoughts; if she was like any other child then she would be able to sense his thoughts. He never knew how they knew what other people were feeling but they did know.

"Come on pal you must know how to cook a few pancakes… and if you don't then you can just pretend like the kids." The mental image of Michael faking cooking some pancakes was an image he wanted to laugh at, but he reminded himself that right now was not the time to do so.

When they got to the kitchen Michael took a moment to look around him. The white cabinets and the black granite countertops were not what he remembered to be Birkhoff's tastes. "My wife designed the kitchen; she told me that I could design anything else in the house but that she would get the kitchen and the rooms." He responded to the unasked question as though he had read his mind.

"Your wife?" the incredulity he felt didn't leave his voice. The thought that Birkhoff was married was a _strange_ one.

"Yeah who would have thought ha?" He continued while he took the ingredients from the cabinets, as Birkhoff did that he noticed two small arms out stretched and a small girl waiting for him to pick her up. Reluctantly and with a knot in his throat he picked her up to put her in the kitchen isle. "I met her while we were taking down you know what. She was my replacement, we befriended her, and we -Sonya and I- fell in love. I know it's sappy but you know how this works."

"Yeah I do…"

"So you do know how to prepare pancakes right?"

"Of course Birkhoff, I did raise a child for about ten years."

"I know." His words had a deeper meaning than just pancakes.

He turned away from the enchanting sight of the four year old playing with kitchen utensils to look at Birkhoff again. But the moment was interrupted as Birkhoff noticed that Ivonne had taken too many utensils out. "Ivonne no amor que te he dicho. No saques tantos." (_Ivonne no love what have I told you. Don't take so many out_) with an exasperated sigh he took three fourths of whatever was out to put it away.

"NO! Los necesitamos todos tío, si no como cocinamos." (_NO! We need all of them, otherwise how would we cook_) the desperation in her voice almost broke his heart.

"Tu mama está mal acostumbrada-ella saca más de lo que debe, no importa cuántas veces valla a cocinar o allá cocinado." (_Your mom has the bad habit of taking out more than what she needs, it does not matter how many times she has cooked or how many she will cook_) Birkhoff's words made Michael remember a time when they were hiding from Division, one morning they had decided to let Nikita cook. At the end there had been a bigger mess with the utensils than with the food.

He was snapped out of the memory by Ivonne's response. "A que no" (_That's not true_). Her anger towards Birkhoff because of his comment was evident enough in the way that she folded her arms. She looked too cute to be angry-God he was becoming a romantic because of one of Nikita's kids.

"Bueno pero tu tía se va a enojar mucho si le dejamos la cocina sucia." (_Alright, but your aunt will be very angry if we leave the kitchen messy_)

"Ella no se enoja con migo" (_She does not get mad at me_)

"Contigo no canija pero con migo si, y no quiero que se enoje con migo…" noticing by now the small pool of drool forming in his shirt, he sook the small boy in his arms "…e David, David no te duermas otra vez. Tienes que comer antes de que venga tu mama." (_Not with you, you little devil but she will get mad at me…hey David, David don't fall asleep again. You have to eat before your mom gets here.)_

"Can you hold him please, I have to cook extra fast now if I want for them to eat." Before he could protest the child was in his arms. The child hadn't held a child this small before except for Haley, and he was not expecting for the child to put his head in his chest; many children screamed if they were suddenly thrown into strangers arms, but he didn't. In fact he went back to sleep. "No no no no no don't let him sleep that is why I passed him to you. I swear that kid is just like his dad. He is as mellow as he can be at such a small age."

He gently woke the boy up; putting him in his chair once he found it in the kitchen, then he took Ivonne and put her in one of the chairs that surrounded the table. Looking around the kitchen he realized that most of it was accommodated in such a way that the kids would reach what they needed to and the things that they shouldn't where far from their reach. The thought that they must come often came to his mind.

Once they had all eaten, Birkhoff decided that the kids had to get dressed before Nikita got there. He was putting Ivonne's shoes on when he heard the door bell ring.

He paused with her small shoe in hand, freezing in place. He finished putting her shoe on and gave her a hand, taking her small backpack with her she approached Birkhoff. It had been bad enough as it was right now; meeting her kids gave him another glimpse of what his life would be like if he had stayed with her. The laughter, the smiles, the jokes, the pleads for more pancakes, the sleepiness, the teasing.

If he had stayed would their kids be the same, would they be as smart, would they be as beautiful as they were now? Even if he told himself to stop he couldn't stop to wonder and wonder, his thoughts a vicious cycle in his head.

Then he heard her. Hearing her in person was different than by security camera. Her voice was as deep and as soft as it has always been. If he closed his eyes he could almost see her in front of him, discussing their plans for Division. With a pang of regret he realized that all their discussions revolved around Division, they had after a time stopped talking about a brighter future giving up on it. Now he regretted that deeply if they had maybe maybe he would be charring these moments together, like they should have had.

Without realizing it he walked into her line of eyesight. As soon as she saw him she stopped mid sentence. "Michael?" suspicion and astonishment covered her voice, maybe wondering what he was doing there, or simply surprise in seen him again, after all he did leave her behind so long ago.


	4. Seeing You

**I am really sorry about taking so long, I hope you like this chapter since I made it in Nikitas POV. The next will be in Michaels.**

**I don't own Nikita, or the characters...except for the children and Nikita's husband (which is only mentioned, he will apear in the 6th chapter)**

**Review tell me any ideas that you have or ask me anything I am more than happy to talk. **

**IF YOU DID NOT SKIP THIS PART... YOU CAN START TO READ NOW.**

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><p>Without realizing it he walked into her line of eyesight. As soon as she saw him she stopped mid sentence. "Michael?" suspicion and astonishment covered her voice, maybe wondering what he was doing there, or simply surprise in seen him again, after all he did leave her behind so long ago.<p>

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After years of not seeing Michael the first words that come into her mind are DAMN HIM! Almost a decade later, married, with kids, and her whole past behind her…but when she least expected it her past stared her in the face; literally. The feeling of heart break came to her mind shocking her, making her gulp audibly. In a matter of seconds he had reduced her to an unstable buddle of feelings.

Not knowing what to say or do due to the bundle of feeling in her throat she opened and closed her mouth. As she moved her hair with her left hand, her right hand got pulled by her daughter. "Mami que pasa lo conoces?" (Mommy what's the matter, do you know him?) Although her daughter's voice pulled her from her daze it did not pull her eyes away from him.

There was a small pause of hesitation before she answered her daughter, a simple: "Si hace mucho tiempo" (Yes, a long time ago) seemed to suffice.

Taking her eyes of off Michael she picked her son from Birkhoff's arms. Now wide awake the child extended his arms enthusiastically towards his mother. "Mami" (mommy) hearing his voice made it all better. Knowing that if she stayed a minute longer she would embarrass herself by either crying or giving an angry outburst she turned to Birkhoff once more. "Nerd gracias por cuidar a los niños espero que no hallan desconvenido de cualquier manera. Me quedaría pero hoy es el cumpleaños de Jonathan, me saludas a Sonya Nerd" (Nerd thank you for taking care of the children I hope that they didn't inconvenience you. I would stay longer but today is Jonathans birthday, say hi to Sonya for me Nerd)

Her speech was hurried, but she didn't want to linger more than necessary. Although now she had a family and a husband that loved her -and that she loved back- she didn't want to talk to Michael right now. He dared to appear before her after years of no communication what so ever, no calls, no letters, no nothing: a small part of her mind told her that it was not possible to do so since they were fighting Division, but the bigger part resented him for choosing Cassandra and her son instead of what they could have had in their future. She wanted to know whether Cassandra and her son where in there somewhere and the thought of her meeting her children along with her son and Michael made her want to vomit. The perfect family meeting her children without her vigilance: she knew it was stupid to think that, it wasn't as thought they would harm them however she just didn't like it.

As if he could sense her discomfort Birkoff ushered her and the kids out closing the door behind him. When the door closed behind him he turned towards her. "Are you ok?...I mean after what happened and you suddenly see him here, it might cause problems. Look I can ask him to leave if you want to."

"No its fine it's I won't make you choose between your friends. It's just that…"in exasperation she pulled her hair back with her hand. She didn't want for one of her best friends to choose but knowing that Birkhoff was on her side made her calm. In an afterthought she thanked the Gods that Alex had not seen him yet because she might just kick his ass. And that would create more than one problem since Sean would be there to protect her.

"Hey look I know that seeing him again might cause some problems but that will not change what you have right now ok…so just relax. By now he knows you are married and he has taken it good so far, so do not worry. Look at me, look at me relax." Looking Birkhoff in the eyes brought her security in herself. She smiled at the weight in her arms, and at the girl taking her other hand. They where her treasures now and she would do anything for them.

She remembered a talk that she once had with Alex where she had asked Alex what she thought about her having children. Alex had said that it was up to her and Jonathan but that she could do anything she put her mind into. So far she was doing a good job- if she said so herself- and she loved every minute of it.

"Vengan vámonos a la casa papi nos está esperando ahí para celebrar su cumpleaños." (come on lets go home dady is waiting for us to celebrate his birthday with him)

"Si vamos a comer pastel y a comprar regalos." (Yes let's go eat cake and buy presents) "Ya sé que le quiero regalar a papi" (I know what I am giving daddy)

"Pero ya le compramos sus regalos amor."(But we already bought him his gifts love)

"Pero yo le quiero comprar otro!" (But I want to buy him another one)

"Está bien, que le quieres comprar?" (Alright, what do you want to buy him)

"Le quería comprar esa cosa que se cuelga de la ventana que hiso la señora que vive en el pueblo. Te acuerdas mami lo vimos cuando visitamos a tía Alejandra el otro día. El que tenía muchos pajaritos colgados de él." (_I wanted to buy him that thing that you hang from the ceiling, the one that the lady in town made. We saw it the other day when we visited Aunt Alexandra, remember. It was the one that had the birdies in it._) Ahh so this was where the conversation was going. If there was something that her daughter loved it was birds. She tried not to show the small feeling of pride at her daughter's smartness in using her dad as an excuse; she would have talk to her later about that.

"Bien iremos por eso antes de ir con papi a la casa para que se lo des en la casa, estás de acuerdo?" (_Fine, we will go before we go home so that you can give it to him at the house, is that alright?_)

"Si!" (_Yes!_) With a final jump she ran to the car, and into her seat; probably afraid that her mother would change her mind.

"David amor quieres ir al mercadito." (_David love do you want to go to the market today_) her son although awake was leaning on her shoulder sleepily and she feared the thought of carrying him all morning long; he was heavy.

"Si mami. Podemos comprar esos caritos de madera mami? Por favor" (_Yes mommy. Can we buy one of those wooden cars, mommy? Please_) for a moment there she was reminded of the 101 Dalmatians movie, especially of the fat little puppy; instead of eating his son likes sleeping. She tightened her arms around him in a brief hug; sometimes she wondered how these extremely cute kids could be hers. She swallowed another lump in her throat and decided to spoil her kids today by buying them ice cream; cake or no cake.

"Ok vámonos, Seymour te veo luego en la noche por favor dile gracias a Sonya. Niños díganle gracias a su tío por todo." (_OK lets go, Seymour I will see you later at night, please say 'thank you' to Sonya for me. Kids say thank you to your uncle for everything_) She subtly reminded Birkhoff about the party in case he forgot about it in between the excitement.

Sticking her head out of the car window Ivonne was about to say thanks when her mother reprimanded her. "No aquí y de beso. Es de mala educación hacer eso" (_No come here and with a kiss. __It is bad maners to do that_)

With a sheepish look Ivonne got out of the car, to apologize and to say thank you. "Perdon tio. Gracias" (Sorry uncle. Thank you) she even added a kiss, and a small hug at the end.

He returned her hug, with a small amount of hair ruffling. "Denada" (_You are welcomed_)

Turning towards her son she now reprimanded him, for forgetting. "Y tu?" (_And you?_)

David extended his arms towards his uncle for a brief hug. "Gracias tio y adios" (_thank you uncle, and goodbye_)

"Adiós que les valla bien, los veo otra vez en la noche, ok?" (_Bye, have fun alright? I will see you guys at night again_)

"Ok…va a venir tía Sonya?" (_Ok…is Aunt Sonya going to be there?) _The sudden idea that her aunt Sonya was going to be there overclouded the day in the market, and the cake.

"Claro ya los extraña mucho como para no ir." (_Of_ _course she misses you guys too much already for her not to go_) With all the excitement he had forgotten that at noon he had to pick his wife up from the airport. He would latter thank Niky for reminding him about the party.

"Ah, nos va a traer algo?" (Is_ she going to bring us presents?)_ Her Aunt Sonya had gone traveling again and if all went well then tomorrow she would be able to show off some new and unusual toys. Her mom had told her not to do that but she just couldn't help herself.

Nikita was quick to correct her daughter, and to give her son a lesson before he did something like that. "Eso no se pregunta, lo bueno es que ella va a llegar a estar con nosotros." (_You don't ask that, the thing that matters the most is that she is going to be there with us_)

Birkhoff was sure that his wife had brought presents for them, she loved Niky's kids as if they were her own; her and Alex. "Si estoy seguro que ella les va a traer algo, no se preocupen. Pero su mama tiene razón, la persona es más importante que el regalo."(_I am sure that she is going to bring you presents. __But your mom is right, the person is more important than the present_)

Vowing her head shamefully she apologized. "Si mami, si tío perdón."(_Yes mommy, yes uncle sorry_)

Her daughters hurt expression softened Nikita a bit. "No te preocupes ya aprendiste la lección o no?"(_Dont worry about it you have learned your lesson, havent you?_)

"Si" (_Yes_)

"Bueno súbete al caro ya si no, no llegamos temprano al mercado. Bye Nerd te veo luego." (_Ok then get in the car, or we wont get to the market son. __Bye Nerd I will see you later._) She watched her daughter get into their car, while she put her son next to her in his seat.

"Si claro- y por favor no me llames Nerd, los niños ya están aprendiendo a llamarme así." (_Yes of course—and please dont call me Nerd, the kids are learning to call me that already_) It was rather embarrassing how the kids preferred to call him that name in the streets, or in front of important people-mainly his wife and Alex, who thought it was extremely funny how the kids could grab some of Nikita's habits.

"Tratare **Nerd**." (_I will try __**Nerd**_) with a last laugh she got into her car and drove away. Forgetting for a brief moment about a sertain person in her best friend's house.


	5. Deep Thinking

**Sorry for taking so long but I am not liking where my inspiration ( the program) is going. I know no excuses, but ohh well, what can I do.**  
><strong>P.S this chapter is dedicated to the follower that Messaged me, if it weren't for her I wouldn't have wrote this. Not that I dont love all of my followers but she messaged me in the time that I needed it the most. THANKS!<strong>

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><p>He couldn't help but remember that the look that she had at this moment was the look that she had when she had first found out about Cassandra. A look of pain, betrayal and confusion in her eyes, that although he was prepared for still broke him.<p>

That look more than anything else, made him regret those ten years away from her; he didn't regret his time with his son but he did regret that he hurt her in his crusade for a 'normal' life. The regret for the pain that he had caused her ate at him. Since before he had arrived he had only thought of himself; his pain in being away from her, and his pain in seeing her married. It seemed that although a decade had passed he was still selfish when it came to their relationship.

The sound of the door closing snapped him out of his thoughts, and he noticed that he hadn't said anything to her. No 'hi', no 'how you been?', and definitely not an 'I have missed you'; one moment she was there with her kids and the next she wasn't. One moment there had been a kaleidoscope of emotions the next a closed door and loneliness. He realized that he was, in a way, glad that she had not said anything to him. He didn't know what he would have done if she had said more than the broken acknowledgement she gave him.

Without anything to do he decided to go back into the kitchen. Once there he didn't know what to do, he made a three hundred degree turn, but he felt so alone and lost. In his dream of finding a family he had forgotten how she made him feel; she made him feel that whatever he did he would always have someone, and that no matter where he was he would always have a place where he belonged. He decided to sit on one of the chairs surrounding the table. As soon as he sat down Birkoff decided to enter the kitchen, his gait was slow and thoughtful.

There was an awkward silence that was broken by Birkoff (he always broke the awkward silences). "So- she left already, she took the kids to the market to buy presents" Even though Birkoff broke the silence he still felt the awkwardness of the situation. In a way he had tried to make it as painless as he could but in his haste he had made it worse by not saying who it was for. They both knew who it was for, why did Birkoff think that not saying his name would make it better?

"The birthday party is tonight and Sonya is arriving today…we are both going to the party…so yeah." He sighed giving up in going around the obvious question. "Look man, are you going or not?" And immediately he regretted it. By Niki's reaction she wouldn't want for him to go and he wouldn't want to go.

"I don't think that I am invited Birkoff." Michaels' words sounded tired even to his own ears, perhaps it was because he _felt_ tired. He suddenly wondered if this was how Nikita had felt when he had left her; sad, alone, frustrated, and tired.

"No I don't think so either, to tell you the truth. But I still had to ask. Look Sonya will come home soon, and I have to be prepared for tonight so…do you want me to show you where the TV is at? Or something?" In between all of his thoughts he had forgotten that Birkoff was currently married. It seemed that this trip was full of surprises, some happier than others.

"No it's alright I will um… yeah I guess I can watch TV?" He couldn't tell Birkoff that he was going to watch her through his/her (?) cameras, because even if they were friends after everything he had done, he could see that in this he would stick with Nikita through and through. It didn't mattered that he didn't tell him, by the narrowed look that he was throwing him it seemed that he knew what he was going to do. Finally Birkoff signed, letting it go- for the moment.

"Let me take you to the living room." He turned around and led him through the house until they reached a living room. Michael could see that although Birkoff's wife had decorated the kitchen he had decorated the living room.

"Did you and your wife decided to decorate the house by rooms?"

"Yeah, it was one of those in the middle things, you know husband, wife stuff. I am sure that everyone has those times when they have to compromise; Alex and Sean, Sonya and I, Nikki and Jon…" Cursing himself for letting his mouth run off, and for causing the heartbroken expression on Michaels face, Birkoff decided to switch subjects. "Although we don't have many channels on TV- you know I am fantastic but there is so much you can do with what you are given, and being in the middle of nowhere like a bunch of missionaries does not give me much- there are a lot of interesting things on it; drama, romance, and murder. I think they call them 'novelas'."

Novelas, Birkoff must be bored more than he had thought if he saw those overly dramatic programs. He was about to comment on it when he that he had the same look that he gave him in the kitchen; eyes narrowed, and body thrown a little bit back. It was the look that he had when he studied 'a human problem'. After a while under his scrutiny he decided that he had enough, and decided to say something. But before he could do so Birkoff beat him to it.

"Don't do it man, ok. Just don't"

He was about to tell him that he didn't know what he was talking about, when he remembered what had happened in the kitchen, he had known that Michael was going to watch her through the cameras. Before he could stop himself he asked "why not?" there was a part of him that understood Birkoff. The part that understood him said that he should leave her with her new husband, and her two beautiful children; the other part wanted to be selfish, it was the same part that irrationally told him that he had a right to see her when he didn't.

"Because whether you like it or not Niki is married, and happy; for the first time in a long- believe me a long time- she is content with her life. There is no running away, no killing, or plotting. Let her go." Birkoff had told him more than eleven years ago and before his partnership with Nikita that 'he had an attachment for things of the past', was that what this was really about. When he had said no to Nikita for the first time in that mission he had been stuck in the past with his family, and she had met Daniel a man she had loved to the point of becoming rogue; then he had forced her into trapping Ari almost breaking the fragile relationship they had, because he had wanted revenge for his family; then he had left her to fend for herself against Division, because he had wanted to have what he had lost in that car bomb, and the consequence was more than he could take right now. While he regretted everything that he had done to her while choosing his past, she had gotten a family of her own.

His thoughts were interrupted by Birkoff when he hadn't said anything. "Why torture yourself? I noticed how sometimes you couldn't even look at the screen, so why do it?" It looked like he had taken his silence not for silent meditation, but for stubbornness.

Sighing he ran a hand through his hair while he sat on the sofa in front of the TV. He was about to tell him...something, anything really, but the words wouldn't come out. He felt himself giving up, and relaxing his body, like a puppet whose puppeteer had let go of the strings in the middle of the show. Why would he look at her through the cameras? It wasn't as if it would make him feel better, it wouldn't erase his mistakes, and it wouldn't bring her back to him. His confusion must have reflected in his face because Birkoff decided to leave him alone.

"I have to go and get ready. This is the control to the TV; just don't use it too loudly please. Just FYI the best novellas are in channel 3."

And with that he hurriedly left him to his own thoughts. With the silence heavy in the room he decided to turn the TV on, and turned it into the channel that Birkoff had suggested. Although the TV was in Spanish and he hadn't talked or herd Spanish in a long time he didn't mind, it distracted him from the problems in his mind. The relief didn't last long though when a commercial for vacations in islands appeared on TV, and he instantly remembered when Nikita had once told him to run away with her to a small island. But he had been so hell bent on making Percy pay for killing his family that he had ignored her pleads. She had forgiven him for that just how she had forgiven him for tricking her with Ari and the black box: 'Well you didn't' where the only words that came out of her mouth when he had told her he had betrayed her. It looked like she would have forgiven him, and given him as many chances as she could just so that he would stay by her side, and even then he couldn't give her what she wanted the most. It didn't matter now any ways since she had a perfect family with her husband; perfect and happy. 'You are going to regret this' her words were fresh in his mind, so fresh he could almost hear her in the room next to him. "One of us will" his whisper came out softer and haunting even to his own ears. And one of them did, at least he did, he regretted everything that he had done wrong; everything that he couldn't repair or at least make better. Well he could make this new and difficult situation that he has made better; he could leave and let her live her life happily. He didn't know where he would go but he did know that he couldn't go back to England, he would go visit but not to stay. This small and shocking trip had thought him that he shouldn't ruin lives with his selfish wants.

Finally deciding that he shouldn't stay any longer he turned the TV off and turned towards the kitchen, if he retracted his steps he knew he could find his room without the Birkoff's help. When he went through the kitchen again he was reminded of Nikita's children, and once more he felt a squeeze in his chest. Those children could have been his; he would have seen them be born, would have heard their first words, seen their first steps, cooked them breakfast, and he… he would have sent them to Birkoff's house the day before his birthday so that he could celebrate privately with Nikita. With a tornado of overwhelming emotions he almost ran out of the kitchen and into the front door. He would have run past the front door when he heard the sound of the doorknob turning. His senses on high alert and stance semi ready for attack, he waited for the door to open. Only to stare into the brown eyes of a beautiful black woman, that and her keys. Which were obviously used as a distraction to punch him in the face and reach into her bag for what he was sure was her weapon of choice. Without knowledge of who she was, he attacked before she could take her weapon out.

His body immediately remembered what fighting was like, and without thinking he started to respond to her attacks with some of his own. While she was good at fighting, and she would have taken out any normal person, she wasn't as good as him. She seemed to be the type of person that would sit in front of a computer rather than an assassin; this made him wonder if she really was an assassin after all. His thoughts where the only distraction she needed to reach the keys -which were closer to her than her purse-and use one as her weapon. There was a moment of stillness and silence where they accessed each other before they attacked one another again. He was about to use that moment to ask who she was when he heard the safety of a gun taken off. Before anything else happened they heard the angry and yelling voice of Birkoff, "what the hell is going on in here? And why are you attacking my wife?"

"You know him?"

"You know her?"

Both where asked at the same time, and both where answered with a simple and exasperated "Yes!"

"Sonya meet Michael a friend. Michael meet Sonya my wife. Now will you two please relax?"

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><p><strong>So Michael met Sonya in an awkward way. This is not looking good for him! Poor Michael, but after what he has done to Nikita I think that he deserves a little bit of pain (take that as you will). I am sorry if it is boring I make it a rule not to write more than 3 or four pages and I want for the next chapter to have both Michael and Nikita's POV. Thanks for reading and not giving up on me.<strong>


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